USA, USA!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's the US Presidential elections tomorrow and it is going to be one heck of a close race. Barack Obama, the favourite according to the polls, could become the first black president in the countries short history. John McCain is looking to upset the odds and keep the Republicans in the White House for another four years.

But why does everyone care so damn much? Will it actually affect you, the everyday Brit, in any way, shape or form?

Obama looks like he would be a good president. He has no desires to go to war with anybody, he spreads a message of hope and he is a positive role model for young, black Americans. But he will still maintain the ‘special relationship’ we have with the States; he will still look after the interests of the rich American oil tycoon; he will still have to deal with Iraq and the ‘credit crunch’; and will always be looking over his shoulder at the Russians, and increasingly, the Chinese.

McCain, despite a lot of reports, is not as ideologically far right as people think. He is a more moderate Republican and his choice of running buddy, Sarah Palin, reflects this as her ‘gun slinging’ roots were needed to appease the more radical end of the party. But he too will inherit the ‘credit crunch’ and Iraq; he will still protect the interests of the wealthy; he will have to deal with America’s decreasing position as a super power; and he too will come over to Britain and ‘kiss ass’ with Gordon Brown.

Whoever wins will not be able to increase taxes, change policies or have a direct affect on British life. They will still be running the same country, run by the same people and will have to appease the same groups in order to maintain their position of supposed power. If you think that an Obama win or a McCain victory will change the way America and its people view the rest of the world then I think you are deluded.

The only way the race for president would interest me would be if it was run by Simon Fuller and Simon Cowell. I want an X-Factor style finals show, where McCain and Obama sing their policies in front of a live studio audience. Then the judges, Oprah Winfrey, Jay Leno, Bob Dole and Donald Trump, deliver their verdicts and then it’s up to the public, who have from between House and CSI:Miami to phone in their vote.

In the meantime, previous presidential losers John Kerry, Al Gore and Hillary Clinton give a stirring rendition of the Chumbawanba anthem ‘I Get Knocked Down (But I Get Up Again)’. Then before Ryan Seacrest announces the result, George Bush gives his final performance, a tear jerking version of ‘Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb, Bomb Iraq’.

Then the audience falls silent as Seacrest opens a sealed envelope and pauses for an annoying length of time before shouting out: “The new President of the United States of America is…Barack Obama”. The crowd hollers and whoops like only Americans can. Obama falls to his knees, floods of tears streaming down his cheeks. McCain, gracious in defeat, pats the victor on the back before being barged out of the way by hundreds of Obama’s friends and family who have invaded the stage.

Obama then has to compose himself as he is sworn in and a short video clip of his campaign highlights are played. Then, as the winner, he has to give his version of the American national anthem as red, white and blue confetti reigns down on him. That would be enetertainment.

However, as this is politics and not reality TV we will have to make do with one of the Dimbleby’s stood in front of a 3D pie chart instead. Who do I think will win? Obama. But I don’t really care.